Control by delays & ghosting.

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To read scroll down or to jump to a topic, click on: 1️⃣ Definition. 1️⃣.1️⃣ With the aims: 1️⃣.2️⃣ They use the following methods to achieve control: 2️⃣ Some of the more subtle signs of control can be: 3️⃣ This can lead to feelings of: 4️⃣ The Impact of Control by Delays. 5️⃣ Control and communication. 5️⃣.1️⃣ GHOSTING. 5️⃣.1️⃣.1️⃣ Ghosting and the pain of rejection 5️⃣.2️⃣ Honey Potting. 6️⃣ How to deal with control 7️⃣ Audio version of this page

1️⃣ Definition

Where control in a healthcare setting is the misuse of their authority to disrespect your power and rights.

1️⃣.1️⃣ With the aims:

▶️ To isolate you from any sources of professional support.

▶️Make you question your judgement and facts. See gaslighting.

▶️ Become scared of the repercussions of being denied health treatment so you withdraw your complaint.

1️⃣.2️⃣ They use the following methods to achieve this:

▶️ they tell you what to do or else they will discharge you, close your complaint. In other words they dictate their terms to you with no room for compromise.

▶️ influence your decision

▶️ manipulate you into doing things the ‘right way’ ie their way.

▶️ and/or deny you health treatment.

2️⃣ Some of the more subtle signs of control can be:

control by delays and ghosting funny red flag professional behaviour from the pen of

▶️ Threatening you with an ultimatum of do as we say or go away.
▶️ Putting you down when things don’t go their way. i.e. ‘You don’t understand’


▶️ Using banter as a disguise for criticism.
▶️ Making you feel unworthy or worthless. i.e. ‘you are the only person who has ever responded in this way.‘

3️⃣ This can lead to feelings of:


▶️ Fear of being without treatment leading to a deterioration in your condition.
▶️ Difficulty taking action or making decisions. The freeze stress response
▶️ loss of trust and sometimes hope that things will ever get better
▶️ chronic threat/stress chemical depletion leading to the creation of a chronic and toxic Trauma-stress disorder.

4️⃣ The impact of Control by Delays.


▶️ If a report or clinical investigation is delayed at the last minute, it causes uncertainty about the trustworthiness of the treatment provider. I liken it to waiting for exam results or the outcome of a job interview.

▶️ Living in anticipation of the results can be anxiety provoking but you can limit your anxiety levels by reminding yourself that you are playing the waiting game and the game will end shortly.

4️⃣.1️⃣ But how do you cope when the games ‘ends’ and the other player decides to start a new game?

▶️ Do you join the new game and play along?

▶️ Feel anxious as you are unsure what the new rules are?

▶️ Do you refuse to play and/or

▶️ strongly object to the introduction of the the new rules? Generating increased levels of anxiety in case you are penalised for not playing the game?

4️⃣.2️⃣ When the timeline of the response is out of your control, you are unable to:

▶️ plan your time.

▶️ Or regulate your emotions

▶️ plan for the future

You live in a constant state of uncertainty as you have no idea when the response will arrive.

5️⃣ Control and communication

In a healthcare setting where the treatment provider or complaint handler have all the control and no accountability. This causes more stress.

Stress chemicals affect the way you interpret events. So you may come across as angry, rude or abrupt. Which is why delays are so powerful, because they have ‘evidence’ to discredit you or character assassinate you.

5️⃣.1️⃣ GHOSTING

control by delays and ghosting funny2 red flag professional behaviour from the pen of

In this case, the practice of suddenly failing to reply to communication without any explanation.  A classic complaint handling example of ghosting is refusing to listen to you or reply to your written communications.

Will often receive a response along the lines of we will not respond to any further communication you send and it will be filed. This is NHS ghosting

5️⃣.1️⃣.1️⃣ Ghosting and the pain of rejection

Ghosting is a form of rejection and researchers have discovered that it hurts as much to be rejected mentally as it does to endure physical pain. The reason for this is going back to good old days when we lived in the Tribe and we needed social groups in order to survival. So it was hard wired into us that if we were left alone, we would die and the species would not survive.

5️⃣.2️⃣ Honey Potting

When they honey pot you, they reel you in with promises of wanting to resolve your complaint. 

They will occasionally treat you with:

▶️ mildness,

▶️ moderation,

▶️ superficial kindness

▶️ and even remorse,

to give you false hope.

As you will probably think:

▶️ “Maybe they are really not THAT bad,”

▶️ “Maybe things are going to get better,” or

▶️ “Let’s give the process and them another chance.”

But beware! The ‘resolve and embrace’ mildness is designed to make you lower guard down before the Wham, bam of the next act of gaslighting begins. Which crushes your hope and leads to a greater sense of betrayal.

If you bring this bad behaviour to their attention, they will ghost you again. 

6️⃣ How to deal with control

▶️ Just how do you deal with the delayed response from a large organisation like the NHS. Because there aren’t any rules on how to deal with this. In other walks of life you could address the situation and ask them to be more punctual and explain How they lateness causes uncertainty anxiety. But you can’t do this with the NHS because they are a large organisation and there’s no accountability if they miss their self imposed deadline. Let me stop you there, yes there is NHS legislation that dictates timescales but it’s not enforcable.

▶️ The first rule in dealing with delays is don’t become discouraged. Don’t give up because that’s why they behave like this. Instead take a deep breath and wait.

▶️ you can choose to pay this two ways. You can either fire of an ink missile reminding them of their legal obligations to you or sit back and wait. In my experience using the Journaling technique of firing off the ink missile might make you feel slightly better. But and this is important for your mental health, the response will come if and when they decide to send it. In the hope that when you finally receive it you will be so relieved that you’ll be distracted by the content of the complaint response. This is how they control your response.

▶️ Dealing with being ghosted because you persisted and insisted on getting to the truth, is another ball game altogether. It hurts because you’re not being given the chance to get justice and it is on fair and they have abuse their position of power.

You may need to print this in font size 72 and stick a copy on every mirror in your house:

“you have done nothing wrong you did not deserve this. You are still a good person and this feeling will pass.”

▶️ Why are you are waiting for the pain of rejection to pass it would be in your best interests to do activities that calm and strengthen the vagus nerve. Such as:

▶️to go for a walk in nature

▶️phone a friend

▶️watch a good movie

▶️ do a short meditation or yoga exercises

7️⃣ The Audio version of this page